Michelle Vande Hey

My loss journey didn’t start with child loss, but it started when I was 15 years old. I found out I was an intersex person and wouldn’t be able to have biological children if I wanted to when I grew up. At the time, I thought I worked through it, but in reality, I stuffed it away. After college and starting my career, my life took me on another unexpected turn.

In 2012 I went from being a business woman to being a respite and personal care provider for my nephew with significant special needs and a nanny to his brother. While taking care of my nephew, my husband and I adopted our daughter and I was running a mobile wellness business. After almost 5 years of the life I had come to know and love, my nephew with special needs died without warning. It completely shook my world and who I was. Most of my life revolved around him. I was lost and confused about my life and my purpose.

I eventually moved forward. I focused on my mobile wellness business where I customized health solutions for people. I was feeling called to continue with some form of child care because it was what I came to know and enjoy. I took on a few kids to watch at my home along with my daughter.

A few months prior to my nephew dying in 2016, my husband and I had been home study approved and put on a waitlist for our second child. After our home study expired for the second year in a row in 2018, we decided this would be our last year to keep hoping and waiting for another child in our home.

In July 2018, my son James was born. After being in the NICU with him for 16 hours a day, and a commute of 2 hours each way for a week, we found out he was born with a severe brain injury.

After moving to a children’s hospital for a g-tube surgery and more testing we found out that James may never walk, talk or be able to fully eat on his own, but the doctors didn’t know for sure what his outlook would be. While they tried to give us an idea of what his future would be, they never talked about his longevity.

In October 2018 James died of SIDS at 12 weeks old and it completely devastated me, my husband and our daughter. My imperfectly perfect family; my dream of what our family would look like was crushed to pieces. One of the hardest decisions we had to make after James died was, do we adopt again or not? I wanted to. I was willing to go through more heartbreak, but my husband wasn’t. It took months and a lot of conversation, but we decided that this is our family now. Our daughter here, our son in heaven. This wrecked me almost as much as losing my son.

I never thought I would suffer from depression, let alone, anxiety, and PTSD. I was in denial about my mental health. I finally had to accept it, allow myself to feel my emotions, and humble myself enough to ask for help. 

There was no way I could get out of the darkness alone. It took time, patience through the setbacks and a lot of grace. It was worth it.

I feel more aligned with my purpose right now than I ever thought possible. You might think you will never feel like yourself again. You’re right, but you can learn to embrace your new identity. You can love yourself again, feel healthy again, and find out who you really are. You are here for a reason.